Diamonds and Lust

While I’ll be damned
I’m haunted by your ghost again
a specter I so want to please
whose sadness makes me freeze
all ambitions of my own.

I made a silent pact
to keep you out of lack,
that you'd see the cup half full,
and love this carefree fool,
but it cost me my soul.

You took what I gave
and it made you brave,
but when I wanted the same
it was my mama you blamed,
and I suffered alone.

I just needed a friend
to help me blend
my hopes and fears.
What I got instead
was fantastic head
and silent tears.

Your desire to please
while on your knees
was commendable.
It paved the way
for my salty spray
to be expendable.

Cupping my balls
and sucking my straw
'til I glazed your tits.
And in return
I made you squirm
licking your clit.

Your cries of pleasure
were the measure
of my self worth.
Nothing was better
than your pussy wetter
than Mother Earth.

But I had other plans
apart from sex glands
That needed exposure.
My desire to write
was treated as trite
and I was a loser.

But the plan from the start
was to cushion your heart
from the ravages of doubt.
Then you'd believe in me
and finally see
what I'm all about.

But you abandoned me
in my soliloquy
siting Freudian reasons.
Now we're splitting up,
Damn your half-empty cup!
And your cock pleasin'.

All I can say
is that it doesn't pay
to delay your dreams,
for another's memes.
'cause above all else
be true to yourself.

Moving Past Imperfection

The shape of tomorrow is decided by how we fashion the amorphous ideas of today.

To fashion an idea, we must first get it out of our head and down onto paper.

Reading it makes it more real, more concrete. Reading our ideas allows us to elaborate on them.

I have a head full of ideas but an empty bank account.

But also important is to follow thru as much as possible on ideas.

I have hundreds of files containing inchoate ideas. For some reason, I get fearful when I have to expand an idea past its present imperfection to its newest incarnation, which may or may not be imperfect.

The thought of perfecting something is paralyzing. What if I fail? What if I don't know its still imperfect, and I put it out into the world only to be ridiculed?

I can't stand being ridiculed.

The Silence Smiles

The stomach growls, the head aches, the clock ticks, the fan blows, the birds chirp, the silence smiles. The end of the day, meeting deadlines. Now, home.

North (mind), South (emotion), West (body), and East (spirit)

In many Native American spiritual traditions, the directions North, South, West, and East correspond to mind, emotion, body, and spirit. These four are seen as ways of experiencing the world, each with its own validity and each with its own powers.

Join me in a quadra-directional journey as I experience my mind from the various points of the compass.

Mind

I shrank, to the size of a thought, an atom, a vibration. I entered my mind on the left side and trod along the squishy canals. They spiraled inward like a primeval conch shell. They zigged and zagged like a great river. I crossed the corpus callosum and wandered the mirror-image of my left hemisphere. I encountered the same deep rivets, older than time itself. I hiked along, seemingly for days, going deeper and deeper into the various parts of my brain. I saw some tangled webs in my hippocampus and worried at the potential pathology. My journey into the limbic system was like entering a haunted house. Spooky, dark and practically extinct. I traveled down my spinal column, straight down. It was a bumpy ride, like a roller coaster made to mimic white water rafting. At the base of my spinal column, I found a tiny sac and entered. Inside were the keys to the kingdom of heaven. I jangled the keys in my left hand and place them back down on a squishy pillow of ligament and blood.

Emotion

It’s not every day that I get to go inside my mind. I was excited and nervous. When I shrank to the size of a thought, my body felt like cellophane under a hair dryer: tight and shriveled. A great rush filled me, and I felt like an atom ready to burst forth its enormous power. I could feel the wisdom of the ages in my frame. I swam effortlessly along the watery canals of my brain. Electrical lights popping on and off like in an arcade. I was in awe of the tremendous power and resourcefulness of my mind. It enveloped me, cradled me, comforted me, yet it also scared me. Could I live up to such potential? Had I lived up to such potential? Crossing over to my right brain, the answers to the aforementioned questions were evident at once: yes. I could. I did. I always will. There was nothing to fear in this womb of love. I was loved, I was total love, I always will.

Body

There’s no easy way to get into one’s brain except by becoming thought. So, with a little magic, I became pure thought and entered my left hemisphere. It was dark, but I managed to capture a synapse and harness its electrical buzz to use as a source of light. I fastened the light to my head like a miner, a miner for peace, as it were. The road was bumpy, wet and filled with the crackling noises of small “pops” going off almost all the time. The air was busy with many scents, some of them burnt orange, others clear blue and misty green. I had to dodge many trains of thought, linear lines of logic that rumbled through with seemingly no regard for any other synaptic presence. Rude, I thought. How rude! I crossed the corpus callosum, a shaky bridge from here to everywhere. In the right hemisphere, trains of thought took a back seat to universal bliss. I was welcomed all at once by everyone who had ever lived and who will ever live. Bliss engulfed me. It felt like a warm blanket and smelled like spring. I was home. I went deeper into the deep blue. Music played that sounded like cotton balls. Happy people invited me to sit on pillows made from good deeds. I sat and have yet to get up.

Spirit

He shrank to the size of a thought, a mere vibration amidst the trillions of vibrations that occur every second. He entered his mind as a thought, first on the left side. I purposely wanted him to enter from his left hemisphere because I didn’t want to shock or startle him. Too often in the past when I’ve been tasked with helping someone discover his inner infinite bliss, I was too eager for them to get from here to everywhere. So, with Hunferth, I took my time. I allowed him to swim along the logical canals of the left brain. I gently guided him to the right side. He entered and was immediately swallowed by an enormous wave of gratitude and bliss. He was hanging ten on the ocean of love. He was free-floating down an endless sky of infinite potential. He knew everything and nothing, which put him in a state of total bliss. I love this part of my job. We will always be friends now. He will always trust me and I will never waver. I can’t waver. I am what is.